Dear Mama

  Dear Mama,

Last night I had a dream about you.  It was the first one since you died.  In my dream you asked me to buy you some clothes.  I told you that you could wait until payday I would buy you all the clothes you could want.
  Mama,  I have so much I want to say to you.  If you were here I would tell you that I love you with all my heart.  I would tell you that I am sorry that I wasn't a better daughter to you.  You see,  I thought that we had plenty of time to make things right between us but as it turns out we didn't.
  The day before you died,  I had you on my mind to call you.  I told myself that I would call you on the way home.  On my way home I told myself that I would call you when I got home.  When I got home I told myself that I would call you later that night.  Later that night I told myself that it was too late to call you and I would do it in the morning.  But in the morning I got the call that you were gone.  If I could go back to the day before that terrible day I would make sure that I called you.  What I would give now to hear your voice just one more time.
  Mama,  I am so sorry that  I let petty grievances come between us.  I let them rob us of a relationship.  While I know that there is two sides to every story,  I should have been the bigger person and just accepted things instead of shutting myself off from you.  I told myself that I was just protecting myself from unpleasantness.  And I guess that was true,  but all I did was cause you pain. For that I am truly sorry.
  I feel like that I had taken a closer look and interest in your life then maybe you would still be here. I could have helped you or at least got you the help you needed.
  Mama,  I hope and pray that you forgive me.  If you were here I woould ask your forgiveness everyday.  I would also tell you that I love you everyday.

I Love you MAMA,

Audra

I am going to post this because I want people to learn from my mistakes.  DON'T let petty grievances interfere with your relationships.  I learned this lesson in  very cruel way.  Whatever the relationship maybe - mama/daddy-daughter/son,  husband/wife, sister/brother-sister/brother,  the grievance is not worth the regret that comes later.  Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,  so make the most of today and tell the people that you love "I Love You"

Love
Audra
 

Just a lowly nurse!

 I am just a nurse,  a lowly nurse.  No I don't diagnos problems, don't prescribe medication,  don't do surgery and don't stitch people up ( although I can stitch someone up if I had to).
  Here is what I do!  I am the one that makes sure that the doctor has what she needs to take care of you.  I always try to be a step or two ahead of her.  She very rarely has to ask for something.  You see it's my job to anticipate her needs so that she can take care of yours.
  I am the one who worries about how you are going to pay for medication that your insurance won't cover.  I know where the free medications can be found, what programs are out there for you.  I spend countless hours on the phone with your insurance carrier begging and pleading on your behalf to get your medication covered for you.
  I am the one who makes sure that your tests are scheduled in an appropriate amount of time.  Again I spend alot of time with your insurance company getting that MRI that you just have to have done approved.  If you don't have insurance I can tell you the best place to go for the cheapest price.
  I am the one who draws your blood.  I look at your reports and if something is crucial I bring it your doctor's immediate attention.  I call you with your lab results after the doctor has reviewed them.
  I give you your shots,  I change your dressings,  I remove your sutures.staples.  I look at your rashes, sores, places that just don't look right to you.  I check your blood pressure and your urine.
  I take your phone calls and I listen to your complaints.  I make sure your refills are called in.
  I am the one that calls and schedules your appointments with the specialists.
  I am the one that gets to work early and I leave late.  I make sure everything is as it should be.  I mostly eat my lunch on the fly.  I am the one that comes to work sick, and in pain so that I can help take care of you.
  I am the one that worries about you after hours.
  I am just the Nurse!  I have been nursing for almost 25 years and I think I love it more today than I did when I started.  To me,  nursing is calling and not everyone is cut out for it.  Since I was 5 years old all I wanted to be was a nurse.  I have picked up a few things along the way and I am smarter than people think I am. 
  I am not complaining,  I just wanted you to know who I am.  I am not the doctor or even the nurse practioner,  I am the nurse.  I love my job and I love where I work and I love being able to help take care of you!
  I like to think I am good at what I do.
  I am more than a lowly nurse!

My New Year's Resolutions

  2012 is almost over.  Two more days of it and then it will be 2013.
  I never make resolutions because I just don't keep them past Jan. 2nd.
  But this year I have a few.

My Resolutions:

1. I want to be a better mother to my children.  I feel like I am a good mother but I know that there is room for improvement.  I love my kids with all my heart and they are the best part of me.
2. I want to be a better wife.  I'm good wife but maybe I can be a little better.
3. I want to be a better sister to my sisters and a better sister in-law to my sisters in-law.  
4. I want to be a better daughter to my father.
5. I want to be a better daughter in-law to my in-laws
6. I want to be an awesome grandmother.
7. I want to be a better nurse and be more compassionate and empathetic.  I want to be a better employee to my boss.
8. 1 want to laugh more
9. I want to have more faith
10. I want to be a better aunt to my all my nieces.
11. I want to be a better mom to all my furrbies.
12. I want to have more fun.
13. I want to learn how to relax more.
14. I want to be a better child of God.
15. I want to be more tolerant of other people.  Even the ones I want to smack up side the head with a brick.

I really just want to be a BETTER person.

I think everyone should want to be a better person.  It would make life so much more pleasant if that was what we all strived for.

I wish everyone a VERY HAPPY 2013!

What Christmas is really about!

  Christmas to me is really about family.  Tonight I spent the evening with my family.  I had all my chicks under one roof for a little while.  Jessi and Jimmy came over with the baby.  We had supper and just visited with each other.  Tomorrow will be so busy that I just wanted a little family time of my own.  It was really nice.
   Yesterday,  I spent the day at my sister's house with both my sisters, all of my nieces,  Jessi and Butterbean and let's don't forget my brother in-law Dan.  Besides Snookie the dog and Puma the cat he was the only male in the house.  My two boys opted not to go. 

  I haven't seen Olivia - my youngest sister - since she moved to Tennessee in May.  She is doing really well and she looked so good and happy.  Gone was the gaunt, hollow, hopeless look.  In it's place is a healthy, happy, hopefull look.  She has made great strides and she is well on her way to becoming the woman she deserves to be.







  I always have fun with my sisters.  Next to Ricky,  Lea is the only person that can make me truely laugh.  As with him,  she is the only person I can be 100% myself with.  You know,  in the course of my day I have to be so many different things to so many different people.  I am comfortable just being me with her and vice versa.



  Tomorrow we will spend the day at Ms. Alice's with other half of my family.   They are a good bunch of folks too and I enjoy being with them.



   So to me,  Christmas is not about material things.  It's about family.  Mine is the single most important aspect in my life.  The true meaning of Christmas is love and family.
   God sent his son Jesus to us out of love for us so that we could become part of His family.

  

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

To Lea's House we go..................

   Jessi, Butterbean and I went to my sister's house yesterday to see them and  pick up my dad.  Any time I am with my sister,  it's an adventure.  Nothing is ever normal when we are together and yesterday was no different. 
  Lea locked her keys in her car.  Not only did she lock her keys up in her car,  her spare key was in the car also.  Who does that?  Of course, it would be Lea.  So after a hour and a half of us trying to get into the car,  she decides to ask the neighbor guy to help.  He had a stout hanger that he used,  while we were using a flimsy one.  Thank you Chip for helping us!
  Then when I told daddy we were ready to go he decides then that he needed to smoke a blasted cigarette first.  All that time and he waits till I'm ready to go.  He knows that he is not allowed to smoke in  my car.
  She wanted me to take their cat Drizzy.  I have told her I couldn't have the cat but she kept insisting.  But when we got ready to leave the cat was MIA.  I think someone helped her hide.
  Finally, we are on the road.  Traffic on Gray Highway is horrendous.  If I could find a way to bypass Macon to get to Gray without going too far out of my way,  it would be a God send.  I really hate Macon.
  I love being around my sister.  She is my best friend and we have a good time together.  She makes me laugh. 
  I finally made it home, in one piece.
  As Ricky said it's always nice to go but NICER TO COME HOME.

 

Thanksgiving

 Today we went to Ms. Alice's for Thanksgiving.  We had so much food - there was enough to feed a small third world country.  And it was all good. 
  I love to cook.  It's kind of a hobby to me.  I don't know if I can cook good or not.  My family seems to like it and I haven't killed them yet.  But sometimes I feel like they tell it's good to keep from hurting my feelings. 
  That is, until last night!

  I made three pies.  An egg custard pie, and two pecan pies - one regular pie and one with molasses.  They looked so pretty too.  I let Ricky have a slice of the molasses pie.  He took a bite and had to spit it out.  I spit my bite out too.  It was horrible.  Lesson learned was don't cook with molasses.  The other two pies were devoured so I assume they were fit to eat.
  I have never made pecan pie before but I wanted one.  Ricky wanted me to buy one already made but I like making stuff from scratch.  So I found a recipe and made it.
  The older I get the more I miss things that my mama and granny made when I was coming up.  Mama always made pecan pie at Thanksgiving and Granny always made congealed salad at any family gathering.  I attempted to make that too!  It was edible but not as fluffy as I remembered.  I hae trying to cook with jello.  I have no luck with it whatsoever.
  I had been wanting a cooked banana pudding just like my Granny used to make so I found a recipe for it.  It wasn't hers but it came close.  It has pudding made from scratch along with a merengue topping, OOOOHHH,  good for my tummy.
  How I wish I had taken an interest in cooking way back when I could have learned alot from them.  But by the time I did,  my Granny had alzheimer's and my relationship with mama was strained.
  It's days like this that I miss them both, but especially my mama.  She could have told me what to do with that blasted pie.
  I had a great day and enjoyed everyone's commpany.  But the best part was I got to see my very own Beanie baby- Butterbean.  It was her first Thanksgiving.

New found Faith

   I was raised by a very strict baptist preacher,  my father.  He was very strict and took the Bible very literally.  Especially the part about sparing the rod spoils the child.  My dad only knew one form  punishment and that was to whoop our butts for any infraction mo matter how small or unintentional. 
  My dad was a good preacher but he was one of those hell-fire and damnation preachers.  And he was very dogmatic about it.  If you didn't believe that way he did then you were the one that was wrong.  My sisters and I have literally had the Bible beat into us.
  I was raised in the church.  Knew my hymns and Bible verses,  can still name all the books of the Bible by heart.  We went to church everytime the doors were open.  We went twice on Sunday and then again on Wednesday.  Never got a sick day, always had to be there.   You see, with my dad,  God and church came before family.
  Somewhere along the way,  I seemed to have lost my faith.  Well,  not really lost it,  just misplaced it.  I just don't think that God intended for a building and the people in it to be more important than your family.  I also don't beleive that one religion or denomination is more important to God over the others.  I mean baptists don't have a monopoly on heaven or God's love.
  When I married Ricky,  I found a freedom.  I didn't HAVE to go to church if I didn't want to.  It has become a habit not to go.  Then I stopped reading the Bible and eventually I even stopped praying.
  A few years ago,  God decided to remind me that I still needed him.  I mean we literally lost everything and had to start over.  Ricky lost his job, we lost our home.  He was out of work for almost 2 years.  And I started praying.  I began telling Ricky to be patient that God had something good in store for him.   I started believing it and so did he.  Finally afer months of praying and asking for God's will,  he was hired at Blue Bird.  He is very happy with his job.  He loves to weld.  He told me once that I had enough faith for both us.  Lea once said to me that God doesn't put more on you than you can handle and I replied back to that I was at my limit. Sometimes I felt like God was up there , looking down at me saying "HMMM,  she hasn't cracked yet,  let's see what else we can throw at her."
  I am back to reading my Bible and praying.  I can see God working daily in little things.  I post alot of bible verses on my facebook wall. Sometimes I see a verse that fits my life at that particular moment and I just have to share.  I still don't go to church.  Churches to me have become nothing more than a social club.  But I will work on this.
  So don't misplace your faith.  If you look and pay attenttion,  you can see God working.  You just have to know in your heart that He is.
  I have forgiven my dad.  After all the way I was raised helped to make me the person I am today.